So its been almost half a year. Where have I been? Truth be told I haven't been doing much at all.
Ive been feeling really shit for a long time now, and not only has it hurt my ability to create music but its hurt my ability to live normally too. I found out last month that I'm clinically depressed, and that explains a lot of how Ive been feeling for a long time.
Back when I first started doing this I loved it, even though I was bad back then I didn't care because I thought it sounded cool to me at the time. Slowly I just started to enjoy doing it less and less... seeing it as a chore, too much effort. I compared myself to other artists, some of which I know personally... and it put me down, because their stuff was better than mine so I figured what was the point in even trying if I'm doomed to fail? So I didn't.
Ive had a history of believing that the best way you can improve at something is to critique yourself, and whilst I stand by that still I subconsciously take it way too far. I started seeing my own work through some sort of filter, that only let the negatives through.
I also started to become anxious about sharing my work. Back when I first started I used to put up "Previews" for stuff frequently, I was enthusiastic to share what I made with others... Over time I became more insecure, whenever I see negative feedback I start to get a heart sinking feeling in my chest, its not very pleasant. I was constantly seeking praise in order to try and disprove my own self beliefs about myself, to prove to myself that I am good enough to do what I do. Because otherwise why put in the effort?
A lot of people hear the word depression and think that it just means being sad all the time, its not that easy at all. Depression sucks all the life out of you, all of the joy out of living and stops you from doing things you used to love doing.
I'm already getting help for my condition and I'm not in any sort of danger at all so don't worry about me.
If you didn't guess already I'm going to be taking a break. A long one until my head is sorted out. I don't want to make music if its just a chore, I want to enjoy doing it. I want to be able to like the things I'm making. I hope you understand this.
To those who read this, thank you. Whilst a lot of this is a bit rambly its just me getting my thoughts out there which I think is a good thing. Im hoping to come back eventually and put in the hours I need to in order to take all of this further.